he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
