i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
