i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
