Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
