I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Randomize
