Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
