remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
