I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I need water and some morals
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
