Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
