i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
