i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
i need some magic done to my vagina
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
