I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
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