Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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