Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
