i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
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