i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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