watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
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