Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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