I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize