I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
