Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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