You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
