I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
So apparently I’m into choking now
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
