Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
