I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
