rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
