Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
