Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
