I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
