I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
His hands were made for my vagina.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
