Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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