Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
