i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
