she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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