i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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