I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize