I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
