I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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