dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize