just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
