why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
