who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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