Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize