Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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