i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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