when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
