No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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