Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
When are your genitals available?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize