Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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