I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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