i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
