then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
