I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
