uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
