Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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