He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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