how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
