happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
