and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
