I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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