i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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