Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
