When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
