I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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